the time has come for lazy afternoons, random trips to the mall with tim, and nice dinners afterwards.
exams are finally over!
well, okay fine, not really,  I still have 3 literature papers to sit for, but I enjoy those so much that they're practically half the fun.

I have books to read, concepts to explore, camps to attend, christmas cards to make, cousins to play with, theme parks to visit, a possible vacation, and I am so effing excited about the next few months!

I haven't compiled a reading list just yet., but there are a few I just have to read these hols. I'm all open for suggestions, I have stopped reading fiction for so long that I have no idea what the good ones are right now.

I love that these holdidays I'm not pining over an ex, or being miserable in a long distance relationship, but that I have the bestest-guy-in-the-whole-wide-world with me, and we're going to make some awesome memories these next few months. I am SO in love.

Oh, and I want a bunny! I saw one in a petstore two days ago and it was TINY, like it could fit into my palm. And it has the most adorable ears that flopped downwards on either side of it's face, and it was this little white ball of fluffiness when it curled up to sleep. It was the sweetest thing.

Does anybody know what caring for a pet bunny is like? Are they easy to look after? And are bunnies smart?

ps- i have discovered the joys of HL milk. 100 cals per carton, but it tastes gorgeous, all creamy and vanilla-ish. I love discovering things I like that are coincidentally good for me, I'm going through a salmon phase too. I wish the damn fish didn't cost so much, though.

I feel like there is an element of relief in every exhale now.
Finals aren't over quite yet, but the most challenging papers are all over with,  and the rest are just a few trivial ones, simple little hurdles I have to jump over to get home.

Yesterday after the last law paper I went home, had a long cold shower, and then curled up in the dark of an air conditioned room, and slept off all the tension of the past few weeks. Long afternoon showers and naps afterwards are a luxury I have missed for so long now.

After that, timothy took me to Subang for dinner at Asia Cafe.

here I must make a disclaimer first. I do NOT go to Asia Cafe for the cute guys, or for pool, or karaoke, or any of the reason most teenyboppers go there. i know the place has a bad reputation for being associated with the bubblegum teenyboppers that seem to take over 90% of it's space. Any attachment I have to it is strictly nostalgia from my Taylors days. I refuse to be in the same category as the people who go there.

(oh, and they have awesome thin crust pizzas- how did i not know this last year?)

I would love to keep blogging but i have a movie date with the boyfriend, so i'll be back soon, okay?

Timothy and I went to KLCC to eat waffles against a backdrop of the city skyline.

I'm not a big fan of waffles, but something sprinkled with little melty marshamallows and chocolate and ice cream, and real maple syrup, none of that honey crap, will theoretically, at least, appeal to the best of us waffle haters.

It was pretty nice, but halfway through the gigantic waffle, I dicsovered a solitary little nut.

me: "look, I think it's a nut!"
tim: "yeah, there were supposed to be lots of nuts in here. What a ripoff.  *rolls eyes*"
me: "there were suposed to be nuts in here?"
tim: "yeah, on the menu it said "Marshmallow-Nut"
me: "get it? GET IT? ONE NUT. not NUTS."
tim cracks up.

they really take their singulars and plurals seriously, wow.

i wondered what it would be like to walk on the wrong side of the road

i took a stroll, and it was overrated.

rebellion obviously isn't my thing.

dear you

come on, get off my mind already, you're staying a lot longer than you really should, you know? =)

and we went shopping, too.

my mom bought me the most bee-you-ti-ful Crocs sneakers- (I think original Crocs make people's feet look like Barney's.)
but Crocs sneakers are entirely different. They are rough-hewn and wholesome and comfy.
I love sneakers. I know other girls my age are getting excited over feminine, pretty heels, but if I had it my way, i'd wear sneakers to work, to my wedding and til i'm eighty.

My little sister has already graduated to girly shoes, shame on me.

Get a load of these beauties. They are insanely light and so comfortable I'd purr if I could.

I also found the cutest little pins for TWO BUCKS a piece. And i've never seen anything like them in KL, I mean i've seen charms and stuff for bracelets that are tiny and five bucks a piece and not as adorable as these things.I'm not sure what I'd do with them yet, but i was thinking of maybe pinning them on to a plain black backpack or a cap or something. I'd appreciate ideas, guys!

i like the ice cream, see the chocolate and vanilla detail inside?

My mom said in mock outrage when I showed them to her "Sherene, you are a LAW student! You have to be boring!" but she laughed and had fun picking em out with me. Which one's your favourite? The guy gave me a free one, so I got all these for just ten bucks.

yes, i am a pathetic excuse for an eighteen year old adult. I get it. *ducks a slew of rotten eggs and tomatoes*

love you guys, i'll blog soon, kay.

it is SO good to be home.

I didn't fully appreciate what home felt like or looked like or even smelt like, much less did i fully appreciate the people in it. And now I do.

I don't believe in vibes or energies or things like those but you know, when I am home, even if it's just me alone at home (like right now) I get the loveliest feeling of being safe and protected and just loved. I never really understood the word "sanctuary" first hand up to now.

I feel safe, no one peering over my shoulder, or imposing themselves on me when all i want to do is sit and read quietly. My family, thankfully, has an unwritten rule that is someone is reading, or online or listening to music or just having "alone" time, we generally leave them alone. No one to overrule any decision I make, whether it's to study earlier or later or when to sleep (yes, I AM eighteen). No one to make me feel inferior. No one to judge me. Even my kitchen makes me happy, clean and sunshine drenched and completely devoid of icky cat litter smells. Hell, even the cats love me in this house, none of my cats would ever scratch me or bite me.

More than anything else, I think I'm just enjoying this feeling of being a first class citizen in my own house. Where my opinion is equally important, and everyone loves me because they just do, not because of ulterior motives or functions or my "usefulness". Not that I'm implying anybody but my family should have to love me unconditionally, it's just that I don't like being my abilities being used or exploited.

When I "love" in this house, I mean the right kind of love, not the paranoid, cloying kind of love for someone at the expense of other people. the Bible was really on to something when they said

"Love is always patient and kind; love is never boastful or conceited, it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and is not resentful"

 We love quietly, we don't say it very often but it's in the way my sister and I laugh at jokes only we'd understand, or my mom holding my hand when we go shopping for groceries to make my favourite food for lunch tomorrow.When my dad used to offer pre-exam advice I used to roll my eyes, back in the SPM days. Last night he earnestly reminded me to get some studying done in the next few days and even though I didn't really need a reminder, I saw the affection behind it this time, and I wish I never missed it.

I wish I could stay a little longer.


Disclaimer. Despite what this may look like, this post has nothing to do with benezettes, the people i'm officially living with, they have been nothing short of warm, awesome and loving. And dear boyfriend, nothing I say here is about you either. *hugs* I'm sorry to people who will read this and understand be offended, but it's something I have needed to get out of my system for months now. I have been as subtle and vague as I can manage to be without hiding how I feel.

one down.

 it's been a while, but my first paper (law) was such a comforting one that i decided to take a break and blog a bit, i deserve it. I'm feeling so much better after this paper.

Just before the paper, me, Carmen, Tim and my law lecturer Mr Siva  went to a kopitiam near our college to get our minds off the exam looming ahead. I always knew my lecturer was a smart guy, but I cannot believe I have gone a whole year in his class without ever finding out how intellectual he is.He somehow slyly diverted our attention away from our paranoid last minute cramming and towards something completely unrelated. The four of us debated evolution and the existence of God, and the Big Bang theory, and the universe and Penrose and  Aristotle and stuff . I love that my boyfriend has the intellectual capacity to enjoy debates like those too. Still, I was stunned at just how much Mr Siva knew, though.
I'm waiting for after finals to borrow Sophie's World, from Carmen, (I know better than to trust myself with a good non academic book in the middle of exams!)
Also, I suddenly missed Deeds so much just then, I can imagine how much she would have loved sharing and debating and thinking with us.

After finals, I am going to spend all that unspent allowance on good books. *sighs contentedly*. I  can't think of any other way I'd rather spend it.

RANT- don't read if you have better things to do- oh, and today would have been near-perfect if it wasn't for a certain wingeing, nagging, crass, demanding person.  I am so disgusted that people like these  still exist. I'd like to hurl you off a cliff, but I am a bigger person than you will ever be, so I will refrain from wasting more blog space than is necessary on you.

no more facebook, no more slacking off, no more excuses.

i'm made of better stuff than this.

see everyone online again after exams, then, and wish me luck.

two months before the exam:

motivation= sky high

study hours= all day, wake up early, sleep late at night

focus = peaked

optimism = right there

12 days before the exam

motivation = almost non existent

study hours = pathetic

focus = *fidgets*

optimism = none. 

this is inconvenient, damnit, where the fuck's my determination and drive gone to?

i feel like a blanket of grey has been swathed around every reason to be happy and I don't understand this, or why I'm tense and sad all day for no apparent reason.

oh.

*sad face*

even ibiza's forgotten about the music... there seems to be more sex than actual music now.

well, i guess there's always the UK... all the best DJs are from the U.K, anyhow. 

Before I turn twenty five, I MUST go to the UK and get into the Ministry of Sound club, just one night and i'll die happy, i swear. 

I read Ian Mc Ewan's Atonement last week, I havent read good fiction in so long that suddenly I remembered what I've been missing out on. It's one of my favourites now. 

But oh, I really should stop reading fiction and focus a little more on the law books.

*hits myself on the head with a book*

today i had a ton of soda and chips

yes, me.

calorie free soda, and fat-free light Pringles, to be exact. Tim took me to this AWESOME grocery store in Ampang which is sort of like Cold Storage, with lots of imported foods, only much more low key, and with MUCH more variety.

Light versions of every food brand I like, like Pringles, and Post Cereals, and Lean Cuisine, 100 calorie packs, and Jack Daniel's infused mustard. The coolest condiments and a whole cereal aisle. I love cereal. And it's only five minutes away from Tim's place. 

It's funny and um, pathetic how finding a cool grocery store can keep me excited all week. 

another first

and just when you think, after seven months, the sparks sort of settle down, he surprises me again.

Yesterday, he met me, quite flustered, in a street near our college.

 "You weren't supposed to wait here!"  he protested indignantly, but he was smiling.  I peered into the plastic bag he was carrying despite his best efforts to conceal it. A bouquet. Creamy white roses and adorable little daisies and little purple flowers.

"I was supposed to give them to you in a much cooler way, but you showed up here."

No one has ever given me flowers before. I've always said they're an extravagance and scoffed at them, but I have always looked quite enviously upon the lucky girls in my school who get them, and how they always display them so prominently on their desks so everyone else can admire them/drown in jealousy.

It wasn't a birthday or anniversary or anything. He just got them for me just cause he thought they'd cheer me up. And he even remembered to get white roses, because I mentioned once how cliche red roses are and how I love how pure and elegant white roses look. They looked so pretty with the daisies.

I felt like such a princess. I felt so freaking spoilt.  I wonder if every girl feels that way about her first bouquet. Sure it was extravagant, but here was someone who thought I was worth the splurging on. I carried them around everywhere with this huge grin on my face that made my cheeks hurt. I wanted to tell every random stranger who looked at my flowers, "Look, my boyfriend got me these, isn't he awesome?'

Then today, for no apparent reason, he picked me up and swung me around and around while I giggled and protested, until we both got dizzy. The last time someone did that for me, I must have been three years old. 

I feel so very loved. And the sparks don't look like they're settling any time soon. 

there is no point in fasting, if you're going to be rude and inconsiderate and self righteous about it. hypocrisy and God will never ever go together

Five days of normalcy.

Five days to have exactly what I want... and exactly how much, where there are no rations or self imposed restrictions, and the forbidden fruit is suddenly all mine for a big juicy bite. Where numbers, once meticulously counted, seemed to have almost no significance. A blatant disregard for the rules. 

I should have had the time of my life, but honestly, I am so glad it's over, and I'd like to just run headlong back into safe rules and restrictions and oddly enough, the comfort of staring longingly at the forbidden fruit on a far away tree. 

 

I was going to blog a nice, cliche post on how much i love this country but so many others have already written good ones. I think it's all been said already.

tonight i am going to go watch the fireworks, yay.

You big, beautiful gorgeous melting pot of culture and quirk and weird fruits, I love you, malaysia. Thank you for having the climate to support mangosteens. 

dear-racist-popiah-seller-at-the-ramadhan-bazaar-at-wangsa-maju

I forgive you for being a racist jerk and for completely ignoring us while we were standing in front of your stall and were the only people there. I forgive you for having your face pursed up in a scowl displeasure at me, while you remained quite cheerful to people from the same race as you. Perhaps you will burn in hell/be reincarnated into a slug/fall off a cliff someday. In the meantime, please stay alive, at least right up to the end of Ramadhan, and keep making that gorgeous, sweet-meaty-crunchy popiah you make. For this noble contribution to my life, I forgive you for all your racist inclinations and would like to be your best friend as long as you keep making popiah. We don't even have to talk if you are too racist for that. Our relationship is too deep for superficial small talk. Just give me your popiah. 

hugs and (*shudders*) kisses,

sherene

i cannot believe it has been seven months today.

time has a way of sneakily speeding up when you're not looking, doesn't it?. 

Thank you for making me giggle, and for watching classics with me, and buying me yogurt, and for remembering that I hate being tickled, and for saving me from your evil cat. 

You've become my best friend too. I love you. 

today it hit me like a sack of wet cement, i cannot just sit around complaining about my consequences and the chances i've missed. 

people are making things happen, people are living their dreams right now, while i've spent all year sitting and bitching about how law school is getting in the way blah blah blah. 

my best friend didn't complain, he sucked it up, went to college, saved up for equiptment while at college, and now he's  slowly but definitely getting recognition, playing gigs at places, rubbing shoulders with the big cats in the industry, he's still in college, but he didn't let that get in the way. (cause you rock, muizz *hugs*) 

my roommate at writer's camp when i was fourteen wasn't a particularly impressive writer if i remember correctly. Last month I saw her name as the author of an article in a magazine that I would have done anything to have worked with. I all but drowned in frustration and jealousy. 

My friend from college is starring in a play soon. I have wanted to act for God knows how long and I keep saying if I just wasn't so busy with college, I would take the initiative. He, on the other hand, actually did take the initiative. 

I refuse to be a victim of consequence anymore. 

 

the malaysian clubbing scene annoys me

no one seems to be here for the music, everyone seems to just be interested in bumping and grinding and getting drunk and teenyboppers in flashy short dresses. 

most local clubbers i know will recount an evening out clubbing like this : "we were TOTALLY wasted, man we were so drunk... and then this cute guy kept dancing with us and then his stupid girlfriend came and gave us this bitchy look... what a bitch.... and then we puked in a drain and went out for mamak after that and then we puked somemore"

i swear i'm not exaggerating. I took that from the blog of an actual person I know who is a good representation of malaysian teenybopper clubbers. 

one of my first memories of techno is this- my dad with his eyes closed and trance music thumping through the speakers, oblivious to everything else but that music, fingers tapping in rhythm,  uncomplicated happiness, (he's a DJ by profession, if that helps explain anything). 

that's what it is for me now... every time i listen to techno, i automatically remember my childhood and my dad and that simple happiness from the bass beats. 

Techno makes me happy too. For some strange reason though, I have this weird shyness about letting my dad know I like the same music, it's always secretly that I borrow his CDs, or listen to his composed tracks. It's weird, this reluctance, but I also feel like techno is my little secret, I once tried to share it with a mainstream music loving friend and the fact that she didn't seem to feeeeeeel the same happiness I felt left me feeling frustrated and quite crushed. After that I never bothered sharing.  

when i listen to particularly good techno, i have this longing to be on a beach in Ibiza, with a crowd of tanned bodies in the crowd everyone speaking foreign languages in strong, guttural accents, sea sand under our bare feet , at one of those DJ festivals, where everyone seems to be on this happy high that has more to do with the music than the influence of alcohol. 

someday, i suppose. 

Just a few more weeks til october, then finals, then a whole awesome December for blissful lazy afternoons and exploring KL, attending plays and walking in parks and discovering awesome food finds, a penang-langkawi weekend with friends, christmas with my huge quirky family, youth camp, going back to PD and having the beach five minutes away again, I cannot WAIT for it to be December. 

I'll probably be blogging less in the next few weeks, though. 

It amazes me that the year is almost over, though, it seems like only a month or two ago that I was  resentfully being made to give up my journalism degree at KDU and being dragged, all short of kicking and screaming, to law school instead. 

I like law now. I won't lie and say I love it the way I would have loved writing but I am slowly, with familiarity, growing to really like the subject, some parts of it are interesting. I found this awesome book on tort law and I am actually finding myself enjoying reading it, pleading with Tim for "five more minutes" when it's time to put down my book and have dinner. 

I think I've done a pretty good job with keeping my weight healthy and while still having the occasional little cheat meal, which I could have never done last year. I am not dangerously thin anymore, and I'm still trying to find the right balance, determining what's okay and what isn't. I still fuck up sometimes, but they are more of the kind of mistakes regular teenage girls make, rather than an eating disordered one. I won. 

I am going to curl up on the couch now and daydream about december for a while before I hit the law books. Have an amazing week, guys.

ps. Any creative ideas on how to celebrate independence day?

the thing about family is that i guess no matter how mad you get, giving up will never be an option, we'll just wait it out till things are back to awesome.

love, sherene. 

I am not as stoic and nonchalant and unaffected as I try to appear to the world, and to you, especially, and today I realized maybe there's really no point in keeping that pretense up.

I would cry my eyes out for days if that hypothetical situation we discussed were to actually happen, I know I said I wouldn't care all that much, but I lied, because it's embarrasingly uncool to feel as crazy about you as I do, and for you to know it.

But you do now, I guess.

and since we're coming clean- I secretly love that you always insist on opening my coke light can eventhough i take two seconds to do it , while you struggle with it for five.

the awesome-est sauce ever

Tomorrow my mom is letting me cook for the first time
Yes, I know, I know. At eighteen, I should be ashamed of myself for not already being able to cook. Most girls my age cook for their families on a regular basis, while my culinary abilities are limited to boiling water in an (uncomplicated) electric kettle, and toast, oh.. and anything 3-in-1 that involves just adding hot water.

ONCE, my roommate and I attempted making spaghetti. We were too lazy to go out and buy proper spaghetti so we used instant noodles instead. Then we went to a chinese restaurant and ordered a side dish of boiled meatballs to take away. We then took it home, tossed the meatballs and maggi-mee with a packet of tomato-ish meat sauce that we found in a mini-mart near our place. I think we were supposed to cook the sauce properly first.

And since it was our first time cooking, we were filled with the foolish enthusiasm of first timers. We took pictures of our pathetic excuse for spaghetti, and we decided we had so much fun that we were going to save our allowances by cooking every weekend. We even planned to throw dinner parties for our friends where everyone would keep coming back for the next party just to have some more of our amazing cooking. We would be popular and look cool in aprons over our party dresses, smiling coquettishly at all the guys who stared adoringly at our food and it's chefs.
'
We ended up with food poisoning, and we never attempted it again.
Tomorrow, my mom suggested keeping it simple and easy, so she said it might be a good idea to start with pasta. (real pasta this time, i promise)
But I want to make a work of culinary art! Not boring pasta. So I decided that I am going to make the Awesomest Sauce Ever. My mom took me out grocery shopping tonight so I could pick the ingredients I want in it, all the while gently overruling and subtly suggesting.

sherene: "... and mommy, when I make the awesome-est sauce in the whole wide world, it's going to be so good that you guys are going to wait impatiently for me to come home on weekends so I can make it for you guys"

*mom nods skeptically, and replaces the bruised red peppers I picked with better ones*

sherene: "annnnd, it's going to be so good, and I will make it my trademark recipe. But a secret one. I won't even tell you what the ingredients are, okay?"

*mom points to the basket of ingredients we picked out together* "you don't mean those, do you?"

sherene: *in a much smaller voice* "oh"

why i really do need to get new glasses soon

after dinner, me and timothy were driving back when we saw a huge pile of trash near the dumpster by the road with rats scurrying through it. I was so fascinated that we drove by really slow to get a better look at them.

sherene : "oh my god. They're too big to be rats, look at that! *squints without glasses* they're CATS, b"
timothy: "they're rats, baby, and they are huge"
sherene: *stares harder* "OH MY GOD, a monkey! It's a monkey, see that big thing over there?"
timothy: (patiently) "no, that's a cat"

(i think) i understand what my dream might be about now. And I wish in those dreams that I could just step out of that car, shake my head and tell the driver, "sorry, i'm not driving this car, and you cannot make me do it "

I keep getting the same dream
it's the one where i'm in the passenger seat of someone's car and in the middle of a traffic filled highway, the driver suddenly gets out and insists forcefully that I drive, and then walk away.

I can't drive.

for the third time this month, i'll be in subang for dinner.
it has cured my homesickness for the place somewhat, and i love timothy for mustering up the enthusiasm to take two trains out of KL just to go somewhere to eat when there's tons of good food in our area, anyway.

last weekend my family came up to KL for my parent-teacher meeting at college, where I sat, fingers icy cold with nervousness, with my mom and dad, where, across the table, each lecturer seemed to deliver the same standard speech about working hard and trying my best. I wonder if they come up with these standard speeches for the parents, they all sounded amusingly vague and general to me. After that it was quite fun to give them a tour of the area around my college, (petaling street is a five minute walk away) and my little sister looked quite disdainfully at all the imitation goods, (yes, hers are all the real thing). My mom and I like bazzars and pasar malams and quaint little stalls. My sister likes clean, shiny malls and originals. It made me think a bit about what makes you who you are, if you grow into adapting into your environment or if your traits and quirks are predisposed. When they were about to leave, my mom suddenly held my hand and kissed it when saying goodbye. I don't know why I felt like crying at that sudden, unecxpected gesture from her, my family has been so much less affectionate and close in the past few years, for some reason. It's weird but whenever my mom shows or tell me she loves me, I secretly feel like crying.

on another note, I have decided that when I have a household of my own, i will not bother with getting a cat. I used to adore cats, having raised and loved so many kittens when i used to live in PD. I always imagined my future home with at least two cats napping on the rug.

Recently I've had to pet-sit for a few friends I live with while they were on vacation. At first, I was quite pleased at the idea of having a furry companion while I was otherwise alone at home. Boy was I mistaken. Esther was a ginger persian with the most petulant, demanding meows, and she hates to be petted, or picked up, She generally does not like anybody and with proceed to meow at the top of her lungs until she is fed. Fifteen minutes later, she decides she'd like seconds, please, and starts to howl again. When she is outside, she insists on being let in by scratching viciously on the front door, which is a very spooky sound to hear if you're alone at night, and after about five minutes of being allowed inside, she starts meowing to be let out, which I do promptly because dear Esther is not litter-trained. And all this would be excused if she would just return just a little affection, but she is the most aloof, haughty creature I have met.

And then there's my boyfriend's cat, who glowers at me from across the room, and ellicits low, threatenting sounds when I am within a metre's radius from her. Any closer and she will pounce on me and bite and scratch me before someone rescues me. AND IT'S NOT LIKE I WOULD EVER HARM HER, i love animals. I have actual permanent scars to prove the severity of her attacks.

And little Archie, the cat we adopted a while ago. The helpless, adorable little kitten with huge green eyes and a tendency to cuddle up and fall asleep next to me has grown up, and now he will not let us hold him for more then two seconds before turning around and administering a few painful bites and scratches. I keep telling timothy it's the negative influence of his older cat.
Seriously. The cats I raised were never violent with me or my sister. They waited politely to be fed, loved tummy rubs and tickles, and were generally delightful pets to have around.

What is up with the cats here in KL?

I just realized i have blogged almost entirely about cats. I shall refrain from further pathetic blog posts.

p.s/ yesterday we went to jusco and i saw that they had a huge pile of pulasans, which caused me to shriek in delight quite audibly as they barely sell them anywhere, for some reason. They're like rambutans without the hairiness and they're slightly creamier. And because Timothy had never had them, I decided it was a advantageous, convenient excuse to buy some. They were yummy, but I do wonder why most fruit shops just don't sell them.

I'm sorry. This is just too many times now and you deserve better. I'd tell you that and you'll smile it off and pretend you haven't the slightest idea what i'm talking about. I screw up and you hold me close against you and tell me you're sorry for how I feel when in reality it's me who should be apologising,

I love you and I want to show it better.